By James ‘Raul’ Stokes (@_ArmchairGooner)
I recall with horror the first time I learnt of Gimli’s proclivities. It was a damp, morbid Tuesday evening, and my glorious Rover 25 had just seen another bow-legged street walker tumble unceremoniously across the bonnet and into a crumpled heap of cheap perfume and rage. As I made a hasty retreat, my phone rang. It was Danny. He immediately sounded terrified.
– “James, I’ve learnt of something, something so repugnant my brain has begun to flee my skull and drip furiously from my nostrils”
Initially, I feared Danny had stumbled upon Gimli’s bizarre collection of Reader’s Digest articles pertaining to ladies sanitary products, but I was incorrect. The truth, the shocking, inconceivable truth, was far, far worse.
– “James, listen to me. Gimli’s locked himself in the basement with 3 dancing coprophilia girls from Uzbekistan and I think one of them is about to shi……”
Hold on. This isn’t FK’s private E-mail address.
Errr… Whoops!
Right, just ignore that part. You didn’t see it. The above is merely a figment of your imagination.
Moving on…
Hello everyone, you might remember me and my mellifluous Bristolian accent from a recent edition of A Bergkamp Wonderland. I’m James ‘Raul’ Stokes, and I’m here to talk to you today about the North London Derby.
Things aren’t too pleasant in the vast, sprawling Goonersphere. We all crave signings, we all want to see the team moving in a direction in which it can compete for silverware. We’ve all had our respective moans, some more enthusiastically and abhorrently than others. Today, all that mess goes out of the window.
Today, our feculent neighbours arrive in town, and what matters in the 90 minutes during which the teams are on the pitch. Moaning, bickering, posturing and pontificating takes a back seat to getting behind the team in the best, most positive way possible. They need us today. Doesn’t matter where you reside, whether that be within close proximity of Islington, or way across the globe; Spurs are the enemy and nothing makes us happier than when we beat them.
Injuries have taken their toll on the squad, yet I expect the formation and line-up to bare significant similarities with the team that dispatched Fenerbahce on Tuesday – minus Podolski and his troublesome hamstring. Nigel Flamini probably won’t start the game, but is there should we need someone to come on and kick lumps out of the opposition.
I find myself oddly calm at present. Ordinarily, my bowels are a maelstrom of worries before big games. Perhaps the farrago of our summer business has taken its toll, and there is no more explosions of fury that will surprise me. More likely it is because I only see Spurs having spent a considerable sum of money, without actually bringing in one player that makes me stand up and take notice.
If Arsenal play well, defend as a unit and supply the forwards with the correct ammunition, I think we’ll win. Spurs’ big name arrivals will need time to gel, and now might not be a bad time to play them. However, this is Arsenal we are talking about; things rarely go as planned, and the route chosen by the team is often fraught with peril. Arsenal don’t like to do things the easy way.
We could be in for another one of those emotional roller-coasters today, complete with high blood pressure and sullied undergarments. Who knows, maybe another 5-2… Enjoy the game where ever you may be, cheer, shout and get behind the team.
As I like to say when I sign off my own blogs; thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.
James ‘Raul’ Stokes
Follow me on Twitter : (@_ArmchairGooner)