013 – “Getting Ready For Stooookes City” (19th September 2013)

As usual our midget host Lord Gimli (@GoonerGimli) will be standing on a box trying to get the regulars to behave and he is joined by :

G.C (@SheWore). Even after 6 straight wins he still probably wants Wenger shot at dawn.
From : She Wore A Yellow Ribbon

FK (@fkhanage). Busy trying to scrub the stink of northern monkeys off of his smooth as a babys arse manly body.

James ‘Raul’ Stokes (@_ArmchairGooner). Being a potty mouthed beautiful bastard.
From : The Armchair Gooner

Danny (@The_GFP). Has managed to tear himself away from GTA V, them punks do shoot themselves ffs.
From : The Highbury Inn

This week we start of with a round up of the U21’s, U18’s & Ladies teams recent results & future fixtures. After that we discus the 3-1 win away at Sunderland and go into depth about Theo and whether he can ever be a main striker. Then its onto the midweek game with Marseille and we discuss the 2-1 win. Next we talk about our midfield and who we would all have on current form. Then we talk about the fantasy league followed by the predictions and finally some shut outs to the listening billions.

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This podcast contains VERY VERY VERY explicit language not suitable for those of a nervous disposition.


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Theo Walcott – An Inconsistent Cup Player?

By Gunner Blogger 97 (@gunnerblogger97)

Much has been expected of Theo Walcott since he burst onto the scene since signing for Arsenal for £12 million and being a shock inclusion in England’s ‘Golden-Era’ World Cup Squad for their ill-fated tournament in Germany in 2006. However, Arsenal fans have often been frustrated by the winger/wannabe striker’s inconsistency, a trait of his that has already been seen in the early stages of this season, with an excellent performance against Fulham at Craven Cottage and a near anonymous at times performance against Aston Villa in the opening game.

Walcott has been something of an enigma to Arsenal fans, sometimes poor…

His continued agitation for a consistent role up front has often been ridiculed by Arsenal fans claiming that he’ll struggle against more physical defenders like Kompany and Vidic, and against sides who play a deeper defensive line, leaving him less room to run into behind the last man. In fact, several Arsenal fans I have spoken to feel that he would have much more of an impact in cup games, where sides are less inclined to play for a draw, for fear of a replay. He has often excelled against bottom half/lower league sides that play a high line, with little pressure on the ball and slow centre backs, most notably his first goals against Reading in the Capital One Cup and Newcastle in the Premier League last season.

Other times, sensational.

With this in mind, I set about doing some research to see if this ‘myth’ about Walcott’s inability to produce his best against bigger clubs was true and if he really was a better cup player than league player. For the purposes of these stats, assists are excluded.

Walcott’s Overall Stats:
Games: 268
Goals: 63
Games per goal: 4.3
Points earned: 34
Points earned per goal: 0.54
Looking at these stats, it’s evident that his goal scoring is an area that he needs to improve on, although his 21 goals in 43 games last season is encouraging. In terms of how he earned points, I simply took his goal away from the full-time result and calculated if his goal actually earned Arsenal any points (in the interest of fairness, the same was done for cup competitions).

His league stats are more disappointing:
Games: 184
Goals: 40
Games per Goal: 4.6
Points Earned: 16
Points Earned per Goal: 0.40

For a player who is an England first team regular and wants to claim a first team berth up front, taking 4.6 games per goal is not a flattering statistic, even for a winger. His individual contribution in terms of the team’s results is also disappointing, earning 16 points in 7 seasons and only gaining 0.4 points per goal.
When we analyse his goal scoring record against clubs who finished 10th or higher in the league the season he scored against them, his % of league goals against them is actually quite impressive, 40%. However, he has earned more than double the points against sides who finished in the bottom half (11 to 5) than against top 10 teams, and has only earned 1 point for Arsenal against sides who finished in the top 4 (Manchester Untied at home last year)

However, his cup record is much more impressive:
Games: 84
Goals: 23
Games per Goal: 3.66
Points Earned: 18
Points per Goal: 0.78
In less than half of his league games, Walcott has earned more points than he has in the league, scoring at an impressive 3.66 games per goal, almost earning Arsenal a point per goal. As a winger, his games per goal is not far off Robert Pires 3.38.

Similarities?

A factor in his excelling in the cup include teams’ willingness to push for the win, whereas in the league, many sides will often shut up shop. Of Theo’s 23 cup goals, 11 of them came in the last ½ hour of the game, when the opposition is looking for an equaliser/winner.
Walcott’s late goals have proved invaluable during cup runs.

But the signs from last season, and positive performances against Fulham and Fenerbache indicate that Walcott is ready to kick on and challenge Giroud for the striker’s spot.

Follow me on Twitter : (@gunnerblogger97)


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Arsene’s Renewal

By Dyllan Munro (@goonerdyllan)

Word around the town is that Arsenal are preparing to offer a new 2 year contract for the manager. Some are overjoyed at this development whilst other consider the idea completely abstruse. I must admit that I ,as one of the former, am pleasantly chuffed if this turns out to be true.

Many will no doubt disagree with me but I am of the opinion that since Wenger excelled in the transitional period from Highbury to Emirates then he should be allowed to enjoy the rewards of an escalation in our financial fire-power. He proved that he is an apotheosis in terms of operating on budget so he should have the chance, after having his reputation besmirched and insulted, to prove that he can be the man to lead us forward into a new age of Arsenal domination.

I am aware that Arsene has his detractors and this is indeed partially his fault as his cavalier, misanthropic attitude tends to irritate even the most ardent Arsenal supporters at times. While some of his opponents proved themselves to be nothing more than a stain on society, with typical quotes like” “Wenger should get cancer if he no buy Ronaldo” others proved themselves to be fully functioning human beings capable of making intelligent points, such as “If Arsenal have the resources there why hasn’t he spent them?”.

It should be pointed out that just because you have some resources available doesn’t mean you should spend the whole lot. Also please remind me how Stoke, Aston Villa and QPR all won the league after going and blowing lots of money. The gradual build up of a cash reserve until our sponsorship deals, which were severely reduced to assist building the stadium, were up for renewal will allow Arsenal to consistently chase players of the highest quality, like Mesut Fucking Özil.

The Germans invaded Russia before they were ready and whilst resources were focused elsewhere and look how well that turned out for them. If you aren’t up to scratch on your history I’ll fill you in, it initially went well then they ended up getting arseraped and subsequently lost the war.

Another point made is Arsene struggles to attract top-quality player to the Emirates. That particular rumour was smashed out the air by our new German, who named our multi-lingual boss as one of the primary factors in him deciding to join the Gunners. He stated that Arsene’s plans, ambitions, dreams and desires were conveyed to him over the phone and at the end of the conversation he was so hopelessly in love with Wenger he stated that “He would have joined Arsenal for free”.

Unfortunately for us, Real Madrid didn’t offer that option. Although at the time he was probably unheard of in England, when Santi joined he was very highly rated in Spain and had previously turned down Real Madrid. With a player of Özil’s quality it also makes it a lot easier to convince players to join.

Before you say that Arsenal are a big enough club to entice anyone to join regardless of the manager look at Man Utd. They are one of the biggest clubs in the world, a commercial behemoth, with a bigger stadium and the current champions with many more recent successes than us yet with David Moyes in charge they ended up with only Fellaini. Who was their 4,583,285th choice slightly ahead of Francis Jeffers and Richard The Lion heart.

We are also one refereeing travesty away from a 100% record so far this season and we don’t face anyone of note till November, with Liverpool(H) then Man Utd(A). If our squad stays reasonably fit then it is entirely conceivable that we could be top of the league come Christmas. Then lets see how many people doubted the boss and how much Suarez wants to stay at Liverpool…

Thanks for reading and feel free to share and comment.

Dyllan Out.

Follow me on Twitter : (@goonerdyllan)


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012 – “The Live Gooner Phone In, Well Almost Live” (12th September 2013)

As usual our ginger host Lord Gimli (@GoonerGimli) who is still an angry little dwarf but he is joined by :

Steve (@LordHillwood). Bracing himself for the Arctic winter which is due to hit Poland any day now.
From : Lord Hillwood’s Blog

Raj (@rajpatel1809). A man who will one day take on our very own FK for the chocolaty voice world title.

Danny (@The_GFP). Still the only one not to use the C word on a podcast.
From : The Highbury Inn

Plus the 5 minute guests (In no particular order) :

Alonzo Spencer (@MrLonsterRobot)

Byrce Larsen (@BLarsenAFC1886)

Fin (@Fin1886)

Matt Collins (@mattcollins97)

Jack Carey (@Jack_Carey369)

Jöe Giggs Curran V (@JoeGiggs91)

Pete Gööner (@thepagooner)

JP Thompson (@stlgunner)

&

Possibly James ‘Raul’ Stokes (@_ArmchairGooner) but we are not to sure if it was him or not

This week we start the podcast with a round up of the Arsenal players during the international break. Then we move onto the live questions from some podcast follower live on skype. We end the podcast with the usual predictions and some shout outs and thats your lot.

Problems using either of the two media players, try these :

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This podcast contains VERY VERY VERY explicit language not suitable for those of a nervous disposition.


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011 – “Özil To The Arsenal” (5th September 2013)

As usual Lord Gimli (@GoonerGimli) He has a new fish tank and is joined by :

G.C (@SheWore). Trying to say the ‘C’ word as much as possible.
From : She Wore A Yellow Ribbon

FK (@fkhanage). Waxing lyrical like a lyrical waxer.

Andrew ‏ (@PR_WhoRu). Back after an impressive debut in the Podathon on Monday.
From : Giles Grimandi’s Right Boot

Danny (@The_GFP). Trying to avoid being eaten alive by a spider.
From : The Highbury Inn

This week we start off with a results round up for the Arsenal u21’s, u18’s & Arsenal Ladies then we move on to talking about the ‘North London Derby’ and how we all felt about the game, the players and the result. Then its onto the £42.4m signing of Mesut Özil and we discuss how mush of a monumental signing this is. Then we move on to the transfer window and our other signings, we then end the podcast on shout outs and general abuse of each other.

Problems using either of the two media players, try these :

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This podcast contains VERY VERY VERY explicit language not suitable for those of a nervous disposition.


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010 – The Transfers Deadline Day Podathon *All 11 Parts (2nd September 2013)

This is the ‘Podathon’ all 11 podcasts edited into one three hour long podcast.

Lord Gimli @GoonerGimli & Danny @The_GFP are joined by these fine people for the 11 podcasts :

Kate (@GoonerGirlKate)
Amanda (@GoonerGirl1969)
Geoff (@GeoffArsenal)
Tim Payton (@timpayton)
Andrew (@PR_WhoRu)
Dean (@18DialSquare86)
Steve (@LordHillwood)
Oliver Price-Bates (@OliPriceBates)
Adrian Clarke (@adrianjclarke)
Michael (@YouAreMyArsenal)
Le Grove (@LeGrove)
P.I.M.P (@PoznanInMyPants)
Jimmy Carter (@thecartz)
David O’Leary (@MediaBSM)
FK (@fkhanage)
Raj (@rajpatel1809)
Andrew (@arseblog)
Dave Hillier (@davehillierr)
Will (@LittleWillAFC)
James ‘Raul’ Stokes (@JamesRaulStokes)
Samuel (@samuelj29060)
G.C (@SheWore)
Andy (@yorkshiregunner)

Click here for the individual 11 podcasts

If you having problems using either of the media players at the top of this page then please try using one of these other ways of listening :

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This podcast contains VERY explicit language not suitable for those of a nervous disposition.


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Just Czech-ing!

By Chloe (@ChloeTheGeek)

So this is it, my very first blog and I am lucky enough to be writing it for @TheAFCPodcast! I had to find something suitable, I mean my suggestion of ‘110 things to fire at Samir Nasri from close-range’ was a great idea, just not first-blog material… Also I had to consider the response id get from animal lovers when I had a Polar Bear at #3 on my list.

As we all know, the season has kicked off and as a Gooner we were all fearing the worst as Christian Benteke (you know, the guy who handed in the transfer request only to sign a contract extension the following week for a little bit extra in the pocket…) tore us a new one, with a couple of cheeky assists from the ref.

Firstly – I totally agree that the ref had a shocker. You will probably find that ref’s for the Worcestershire U11’s league would find that performance offensive and embarrassing. We have a right to moan about the lack of transfer activity following that result. But I think there are more important matters at hand, matters evolving in our beloved midfield where we have witnessed such greats as Pires, Cesc, Petit, Vieira, Gilberto, Rocastle, Ljungberg …. Denilson.

Okay, you got the idea then I ruined it…

Every season, we hear the commentators on our televisions or the fat bald guy in the queue for the overpriced hot-dog that tastes like a warm sock saying “this is so-and-so’s season…” – maybe it’s time we look at that? England fans have already placed a huge weight on Jack, is it his season? No, I don’t think so. Of-course he will be fantastic, like any future captain of Arsenal will be. And we will all have our own individual opinions of the ‘breakthrough’ players. Frimpong? Zelalem? Gnabry? Eisfeld? Jenkinson?

How can we overlook Rambo, he has been outstanding so far. Like many great midfielders of the past he plays for the crest, he wants to earn his shirt. And sure, he has been touch-and go since that horrific injury – I know a number of people gave up hope. But every single game, you will see the lad churn out 200% for the team.

But that’s not my answer. I have spent many hours debating who will be ‘the player’ to watch this season, the one who will breakthrough and establish themselves as a hero in the clock-end. And for me, it’s the turn of our own little Czech – Tomas Rosicky.

Say what you like about his injury-prone career, but on his day Rosicky is unplayable. His passing so far this season has sent shudders down my spine, it’s almost like watching a pocket-sized Bergkamp, effortlessly stroking the ball around opponents as if they are statues. He came to us, with a lot of hype and we have seen glimpses of it throughout his time, but nothing consistent because of the injuries. He was just a number to most of us four seasons ago. My opinion – if we keep this man fit, he could be a vital cog in the well-oiled Arsenal midfield, and he is due his day of adulation from the stands. Watching him play alongside Rambo and Cazorla this season has been spectacular, and we are only a few games in!

So, that wraps up my first random outburst for the blog. Hopefully the guys at the podcast will realise my potential and keep me writing these bad boys, either that or I will have to bribe them all with sexual favours.

As always – get your comments in, who do you think will come bursting onto the stage this season?

Follow me on Twitter : (@ChloeTheGeek)


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A Tactical View

By Vikram Vijaay (@VVijaay )

Formations
The game started with both teams fielding 4-3-3 formations, however they were vastly different. The main difference was in the composition of the midfield trio. While we set up with three players known for their ball-playing skills, Tottenham played three very physical players to break up the play and distribute it to wide areas. Wilshere and Ramsay sat deep with Rosicky the furthest forward of the trio with Santi being the “left winger”. A major feature of the first half was the rotation of these players.

Tottenham lined up in a similar manner however, their midfield trio featured a deeper AM in Paulinho. Dembele and Capoue sat deeper and in a more disciplined manner than their Arsenal equivalents.

The first 15 minutes
At the very start of the game, both Rose and Walker were positioned very high up the pitch, pushing on past their wide players creating an overload on the wings. Initially, both our full backs struggled to deal with this, both Gibbs and Jenkinson beaten early on. Offensively, attempts to play Walcott in behind were unsuccessful as Rose was quick enough to cover.

Changes
To deal with the overloads on the wing, Walcott dropped far deeper, operating effectively as a right midfielder. He had initially started playing almost as a striker. Wilshere remained as the deepest midfielder, and was very responsible in his role. Rosicky and Cazorla rotated most often, both drifting across the pitch although Ramsey also rotated with these two. The left wing was strangely left unattended for large amounts of the game, as Walker rarely foraged forward, strange given his usual attacking intent.

Townsend presented a threat throughout the first half, having turned Gibbs early on. Gibbs stood off a lot more- Townsend was nullified only offering a threat when cutting in to shoot. This worked effectively with Townsend doing little of note after the first 30 minutes, being subbed eventually. The team as a whole sat back a lot more, allowing Tottenham to have possession, only pressing in our half and countering with pace. Rose was often left at sea in the first half. Given, the initial ineffectiveness of Walcott against Rose, Wenger changed it around.

For the rest of the half, Walcott was rarely his opponent, he was more likely to be up against Rosicky or Cazorla. The threat posed by these two was very different and Rose struggled with this throughout the first half. The goal reflected much of the early play and was directly caused by this decision. Arsenal countered quickly- Walcott’s run from outside to in pulled Rose inside, creating space for Rosicky who had floated over to the right wing. Rose came out to cover Rosicky, leaving acres in behind for Walcott. He pulled the ball across for Giroud to finish with an impeccably timed run to the front post.

Less than 5 minutes later, the same happened again. Ramsey broke down the right wing, Rose came over to cover him and Walcott was played in behind only for Lloris to save.
After the goal, the play continued in much the same manner- Arsenal sitting deep and breaking, trying time and again to exploit Theo’s pace. On a couple of occasions, this was almost successful, Lloris doing a fine job of sweeping up in behind.

Use of the Centre Forward
Giroud and Soldado are very similar forwards on the face of it. Forwards with a physical and aerial presence. The big difference was in how they were utilised. With Arsenal sitting deep, the ball was often played long up to him. He did a fantastic job of holding it up and bringing others into play. On the other hand, Soldado was not involved in the build-up. The ball was played wide with the objective of playing it into to Soldado in the box.

The difference was stark- in the first half, Giroud had 25 touches, compared to just 10 for Soldado. Arsenal’s use of Giroud is best shown by looking at aerial duels. He won 7 out of 9 duels- both representing game highs.
Second Half

The second half started at a much higher tempo, both teams were pressing much higher and the game became stretched with Arsenal trying to counter regularly. Amidst this, a lot more space was offered to their midfield three. Flamini was instrumental in us retaining our shape, organising the midfield and directing the pressing game. After a hectic 10 minutes or so, the game reverted to much the similar style as the first half, albeit slightly more extreme. Flamini played a much deeper role than Jack had and stopped rotating with Ramsey.

Prior to Dembele’s replacement, Tottenham switched to a more attacking style with Chadli moving more central in an attempt to involve him in the play with Rose playing almost as a left winger. Chadli had very little impact in the first half on the left wing. The shift to play him more centrally also had very little impact and it was soon after this that Defoe came on.

Substitutions
69’- Defoe for Dembele. The shift to 4-4-2 was a game changer in my mind. Introducing Defoe was intended to pose a different threat to the Arsenal backline which so far had looked fairly comfortable. Both FB’s pushed up much higher and Capoue sat in effectively as a 3rd centre back. Paulinho, the one remaining CM, was overrun by the Arsenal midfield and as such, Tottenham were unable to create and get the ball forward. With Arsenal sitting deeper, the loss of the centre proved costly for Tottenham as Arsenal’s midfield trio were able to cover whichever flank Tottenham attacked down.

75’- Capoue came off with an injury, Sandro being his replacement and fulfilling the same role. Lamela came on for Townsend and presented much more of a threat. With Walker becoming increasingly more offensive and overlapping, Lamela was afforded more space. Wenger responded immediately bringing on Monreal. The duo of Gibbs and Monreal were able to cope with the pace of Walker and also restricted Lamela very effectively. He got free on one occasion when both LB’s were sucked inside, however 3 Arsenal players were on him in a flash.

As Tottenham lost the midfield battle, Paulinho came ever deeper to receive the ball, however, he was still pressed immediately. With their inability to spread the play due to this, they played increasingly more direct. Sagna’s substitution at the end helped to waste time and provide more ariel strength to counter this.

Conclusion
Arsene Wenger played this game perfectly. The first 15 minutes showed that Arsenal would be vulnerable if they attempted to knock it around as they often do. He reverted to the counter attacking style which helped them in the back end of last season as I wrote about here: http://goo.gl/DhJmWn Wenger noticed the back four of Tottenham when countered against was very poor. They played a high line and yet did not maintain a straight back 4. It was very reminiscent of other games against AVB- the 5-3 win against Chelsea and the 2-1 loss to Spurs.

Rosicky and Cazorla were clearly given a free license to float across the AM “band” and caused numerous problems, especially to Danny Rose. The team were compact and pressed efficiently allowing no space for Tottenham. The switch to 4-4-2 effectively killed Tottenham’s chance of creating as it allowed Arsenal to dominate the central areas forcing Tottenham to play long. The substitution of Monreal was very important, ensuring Lamela had little impact on the game. Arsenal defended resolutely, ending the game playing a 6-3-1. Who said we had no fit defenders left?

Follow me on Twitter : Vikram Vijaay (@VVijaay)


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Apparently Arsenal Signed Someone

By Dyllan Munro (@goonerdyllan)

Greetings Readers.

I must confess I found myself slightly apprehensive about writing this particular blog for the wonderful podcast peeps. The reason for my hesitancy was because I believed myself to be seriously ill, perhaps a victim of an ex-KGB agent trying to kill James Bond with some horrific neurological toxin which I had somehow accidentally ingested. Another possible scenario involved copious amounts of vodka leading to me losing the fairly difficult fight against gravity and sustaining a serious head wound which filled my brain with wonderfully vivid hallucinations. These hypothetical situations seemed infinitely more realistic than the reality, which was that Arsenal had signed Mesut Fucking Ozil.

If I am being honest I still can’t quite believe its happened because years of supporting Arsenal has lead me to believe that we are blessed only with misfortune. I half expect to discover that our marquee signing isn’t Mesut Ozil at all and is in fact Jose Mourinho wearing Ozil’s skin in an attempt to fuck us over in the creepiest episode of Scooby Doo ever. If it has happened, and I will act henceforth as if it has then we have the most talented #10 in the world.

This is a statement of intent that hasn’t been seen at Arsenal since the day Dennis Bergkamp signed for the Gunners. It signals to our fans, rivals and potential targets that we are once more going to be a force to be reckoned with. Arsene will also view this as vindication for his sustainable model for the club and I must admit I feel very satisfied that the £42.5m fee paid was cash that was generated by our own clubs commercial prowess rather that money from suspect investors a la Chelsea and Man City. While Abramovich faces annual court battles after screwing over business partners and the Guardian accuses Man City of being used to launder the reputation of its owners and cover up a shocking human rights atrocities in Abu Dhabi, Arsenal have remained dignified and over the years have acted in a manner expected of a club of our standing.

Make no mistake this signing hasn’t just happened in the last few days, it has been around a decade in the offing. The realisation that Arsenal would have to move to The Emirates to be able to compete provided the financial footing for this deal to even be considered. Mesut Ozil’s signing is the culmination of our “new found financial power” and the gritty determination exhibited by the players over the last few years to maintain a consistent level of performances during a time when the Gunners had to remain relatively thrifty.

The move also ridicules Van Persie’s suggestion that Arsenal lack ambition. I suspect he had no idea Fergie was retiring and without his motivational abilities Man Utd’s average squad will struggle. The most creative player they have, Kagawa, he doesn’t play and they have players more injury prone than we have with Vidic, Ferdinand, Fletcher, RVP, Valencia & Anderson.

Also something rather entertaining is only a year after he abandoned us our midfield now consists of occasional Welsh Captain Ramsey, English saviour Wilshere, Czech Captain Rosicky, Spanish Regular Cazorla, French international Rosicky and centre of the German national team Ozil. Then again that no doubt pales in comparison to the bastion of mediocrity that is Tom Cleverly.

It is true that the signing of even the most talented attacking midfielder in the world does not mask the current deficiencies that remain within the squad. I feel that our first 11 could beat anyone in the league however our lack of depth remains startling. At least goalkeeping cover was sorted in the form of Emilio Viviano. For now Arsene has retained faith in Giroud and also Flamini and Sagna’s versatility as those two can both cover almost all defensive positions as well as midfield in Flamini’s case. I suspect that Le Boss may be utilising the transfer market in January as he will be able to get a better price when there are more options readily available.

Ozil has said that Wenger played a huge part in him coming to London, a sign that Le Prof is still hugely respected especially in Europe. Mesut even turned down financially lucrative terms from PSG to come to the Emirates and play for us. It is clear after reading his statement that the faith about to be shown in him endeared him to the Arsenal cause.

Something else which should be considered is the playmaker is only 24 and has already had the illusion that Spanish football is the footballing pinnacle dispelled after a mixed time at Madrid. This means that in a few years time he is extremely unlikely to be pinning for a move to Barca or Real. Hopefully in a few years time he will have been joined by quality acquisitions and has been rewarded for his faith in Arsenal’s ambition with a Premier League medal.

Thanks for reading,

Dyllan Out.

Follow me on Twitter : (@goonerdyllan)


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Raul Musings

By James ‘Raul’ Stokes (@_ArmchairGooner)

I recall with horror the first time I learnt of Gimli’s proclivities. It was a damp, morbid Tuesday evening, and my glorious Rover 25 had just seen another bow-legged street walker tumble unceremoniously across the bonnet and into a crumpled heap of cheap perfume and rage. As I made a hasty retreat, my phone rang. It was Danny. He immediately sounded terrified.

– “James, I’ve learnt of something, something so repugnant my brain has begun to flee my skull and drip furiously from my nostrils”

Initially, I feared Danny had stumbled upon Gimli’s bizarre collection of Reader’s Digest articles pertaining to ladies sanitary products, but I was incorrect. The truth, the shocking, inconceivable truth, was far, far worse.

– “James, listen to me. Gimli’s locked himself in the basement with 3 dancing coprophilia girls from Uzbekistan and I think one of them is about to shi……”

Hold on. This isn’t FK’s private E-mail address.

Errr… Whoops!

Right, just ignore that part. You didn’t see it. The above is merely a figment of your imagination.

Moving on…

Hello everyone, you might remember me and my mellifluous Bristolian accent from a recent edition of A Bergkamp Wonderland. I’m James ‘Raul’ Stokes, and I’m here to talk to you today about the North London Derby.

Things aren’t too pleasant in the vast, sprawling Goonersphere. We all crave signings, we all want to see the team moving in a direction in which it can compete for silverware. We’ve all had our respective moans, some more enthusiastically and abhorrently than others. Today, all that mess goes out of the window.

Today, our feculent neighbours arrive in town, and what matters in the 90 minutes during which the teams are on the pitch. Moaning, bickering, posturing and pontificating takes a back seat to getting behind the team in the best, most positive way possible. They need us today. Doesn’t matter where you reside, whether that be within close proximity of Islington, or way across the globe; Spurs are the enemy and nothing makes us happier than when we beat them.

Injuries have taken their toll on the squad, yet I expect the formation and line-up to bare significant similarities with the team that dispatched Fenerbahce on Tuesday – minus Podolski and his troublesome hamstring. Nigel Flamini probably won’t start the game, but is there should we need someone to come on and kick lumps out of the opposition.

I find myself oddly calm at present. Ordinarily, my bowels are a maelstrom of worries before big games. Perhaps the farrago of our summer business has taken its toll, and there is no more explosions of fury that will surprise me. More likely it is because I only see Spurs having spent a considerable sum of money, without actually bringing in one player that makes me stand up and take notice.

If Arsenal play well, defend as a unit and supply the forwards with the correct ammunition, I think we’ll win. Spurs’ big name arrivals will need time to gel, and now might not be a bad time to play them. However, this is Arsenal we are talking about; things rarely go as planned, and the route chosen by the team is often fraught with peril. Arsenal don’t like to do things the easy way.

We could be in for another one of those emotional roller-coasters today, complete with high blood pressure and sullied undergarments. Who knows, maybe another 5-2… Enjoy the game where ever you may be, cheer, shout and get behind the team.

As I like to say when I sign off my own blogs; thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.

James ‘Raul’ Stokes

Follow me on Twitter : (@_ArmchairGooner)

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